The reason why I’m writing this is because Justin Carmical, aka JewWario amongst his fans, took his own life on Thursday, January 23rd, 2014. I didn’t know him personally, I actually wouldn’t even call myself a fan of his work only because I never took the time to actually watch his videos, and I’ve only met the man once in person at a convention about half a year ago. From what I have seen of him, he was always someone people could rely on, and he always took the time to make everyone laugh. He had many fans, and friends, and he was greatly loved.
Even though I never knew him personally, I just…hearing about his death got me thinking.
I’m no psychiatrist, or a therapist, I’m just someone who gives advice. A lot of the advice that I give out is because of personal experience, and I’d like to think that at least one person who asks for my advice will avoid the things I had to go through. How does this relate to JewWario?
At one point in my life, I had such dark thoughts cross my mind, ones where I thought it would be best if I no longer existed. Thankfully, these are not recent thoughts, but they were definitely on my mind at one point or another. And honestly, it was because I thought no one cared about me, and I couldn’t see anything beyond that. I regret not talking about such things to someone, because I really feel like I would’ve benefited from talking to someone. But I didn’t. I was different in a world where being different was the absolute worst, and I didn’t want to be in that world.
The problem was, I was silently suffering as the years went on, being bullied, trying to conform, giving up on conforming and just trying to live to the next day. I would surround myself with tv shows and anime so I could at least pretend that I was somewhere else, even just for a little while.
I thank my mother for noticing my suffering, whether she knew about how bad it was or not, because she introduced me into my ticket out of that world: my high school.
I thank my friends and family for helping me getting into Cawthra Park Secondary School, because I couldn’t bear to live four more years with people who hated me.
I thank my high school friends and teachers for taking the time to make me feel like I was worth something. Regardless of the highs and lows we had in high school, I wouldn’t trade it for the world, because they helped save me.
Since high school, I moved on. I learned that suicide doesn’t have to be the only option to stop feeling pain. In my opinion, suicide is a selfish act, because really all you’re doing is depriving the world of you. Family, friends, loved ones, they need you just as much as you need them.
I’m not condemning JewWario for his decision, far from it. I’m just sad that he couldn’t find another answer for his problems. Mind you, I don’t know exactly what kind of situation he was going through, I can only speculate. But the one thing I do know is the thoughts. I know the thoughts that go through your mind when it happens. Thinking that you can’t get out, that you’re stuck, that everything would be better if you just weren’t there anymore, that you just can’t live one more day with these thoughts.
I could go on a speech about how “you should live your life to the fullest” and blah blah blah, but I won’t. All I can say is this: I won’t stop. If I get stuck, I’m going to push through. If I hit a wall, I’ll break it down. I have dreams and hopes and wishes, and the only thing that is going to stop me is myself, and I’m not letting that happen anymore. Why? Because I can. Because I have people who helped push me out from those thoughts. Because I have people who I don’t want to see cry for my sake. Because I want to spend every day laughing and making other people laugh.
Suicide shouldn’t be an answer to anything. For me, suicide isn’t an option anymore. I can’t stop anyone else from trying to take their own life, nor is that my job. If someone asks me what to do, I’m sending them a list of phone numbers that they should call, because they are the professionals.
Taking one more day to talk to someone about your thoughts isn’t a bad thing. It doesn’t matter if you’re rich or poor, a nobody or someone famous, an artist or a critic, one more day may save your life.
My thoughts and prayers go out to Justin Carmical’s family and friends, because I can only imagine what they are going through right now. It may not be much, but it’s all I can give to you right now.